Finding Freedom in Forgiveness

You’ve probably heard the sayings “revenge is sweet” or “I don’t get angry, I get even.” Sometimes we feel entitled to feel this way, but is it the best way?

Rhonda Britten, author of Fearless Living, shared a life-altering incident she experienced when she was fourteen years old. It involved a traumatic incident where she witnessed the death of her mother, followed by the suicide of her father, in quick succession. This was an extreme experience that, thankfully, most of us do not have to live through. Rhonda lost both parents from this tragedy and had to go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

In the aftermath of such a traumatic event, many people might develop a mental health condition, like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or severe depression. This can also lead to addiction problems as a coping mechanism, and their future relationships can be impacted.

I thought it was interesting how Rhonda forgave her father because she could see his pain, however, most of her anger was aimed at her mother. The mother witnessed the abuse from the father towards the children, yet still she refused to leave and take the children with her. In many such cases, a wife can leave up to seven times while continuing to return, thinking the situation will get better if only she could change him or herself. If she is unable to support herself, has low self-esteem, or fears the judgment of her children for taking them from the father, this can also prevent her from leaving an abusive partner. It is a decision she must make for herself when she has reached the point when it is no longer an option to stay.

Walking away is the first step to healing and caring for yourself. Not being able to forget does not mean you are unable to forgive; you may be experiencing grief and find yourself mourning the person you thought they were. Give yourself time.

Why should we forgive?

There are many perspectives on forgiveness, each of them can have value to the right person. One I find myself gravitating toward is: “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you, it is required to forgive all men.” Even though it can be far from easy, the act of forgiveness is necessary to maintain mental and emotional well-being. When you don’t forgive, it is like living in a prison of your own making. You are the one who locked the door, and you are the one who has the key to get out.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. One does not have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from one who hurts you. It doesn’t mean excusing or condoning the act. When we forgive, we have been relieved of our burden. Despair is replaced with peace and comfort.

How do we forgive?

Today, Rhonda is a life coach. To help start the process of forgiveness, she suggests taking out a piece of paper. Put a line down the middle of your page. Write the name of the person you are trying to forgive at the top. On the left side, write how you feel. On the right, say you are willing to forgive. On the left, continue with feelings like I hate you and then I am willing to forgive, be mad, forgive, blame, forgive. Keep doing this until you are emotionally exhausted.

When you are finished, write a letter to that person asking for forgiveness. It does not have to be sent. This is your journey. Sometimes the other person does not know you were hurt, does not care, or is not even alive anymore. Forgiving someone is to set yourself free; it is not about the other person. It is to regain your sense of happiness and joy. I wish that for all of you.

Help is available, if you need assistance on your journey to mental wellness, no matter what stage of that journey you’re in. ARTA members can access online counselling from GreenShield through their MyARTA Health Hub. Visit MyARTA.net to learn more.

Terry Whitehead
Wellness Committee Member